the boy

Boys. The Subject. You start talking about them from the age of eleven to about ninety-five. Now generally they aren't exactly the same stories from that point in time to the next but still the topic is about boys. Whether you're crushing on the boy next to you in French or the guy that shares his applesauce with you at lunchtime in the nursing home. Still its boys. Well in my particular case there is one. Not THE one. Or maybe he is I don't know yet. Anyway I am positive that no boy has given me butterflies since I was twelve but this one does. I can't focus, and I can always focus you put me on a desert island with supplies we will be up and running within two weeks. Near him or maybe away from him and I might as well be a sea cucumber. I hate it yet I love it. It's scary to know that someone can make you do that without even trying but honestly they can. And no matter how scary it is you have to make it go away or it never will. Now I know this crush I'm proud of myself because I havent started obsessing. I haven't found out his middle name favorite color, or favorite food and yes as scary as it is I try to find out everything it has to do with something about craving knowledge but anyway I am proud because I haven't done anything. My problem however is that I can't seem to draw his attention. Now I say it's because I don't have blonde hair real or fake, I am not anorexically thin, an i have a brain and yes it functions perfectly fine. Besides everything he makes me feel whether or not it is wanted is besides the point, he's sweet, he's funny he comes up with great Halloween pranks. The mastermind behind the plan. He's just perfectly wonderful, and he's stuck on the esfsn (evil slut face she nazi, creative name i know) why I dont understand. She ditched him at prom last year to go hang out with her ex who she got back together with. She is blonde. She is thin. This gives me reason to strongly dislike her enough without the fact that she gets HIS attention. If you havent figured it out by now this is a rant and has no point what-so-ever besides being a place to vent the horrible unjustices of my tiny world. It's one of those times where you are currently within the same air bubble as them and yet you couldn't be farther away from him than a black hole and five galaxies away. It sucks and besides that fact when you cant get his attention and all he does is capture your's you may feel like screaming. Then come the fantasies i dont mean like bondage or sex or anything that drastic. The fantasies where you're in the middle of a meadow and your lying on a blanket and your snuggling together just enjoying the beautiful spring days for hours. Those, the type that's so sweet you feel like crying when they are interupted because the bell rings or you're asked a question and you try so hard to get back to that place because in actually that's the closest feeling to another person you have ever had. Or the one where he sacrifices watching Arnold blow something up and live to die another day to watch Wedding Planner ust because he thinks you deserve it more than he does. Or the future test. Can you see yourself with him in five years raising a family and working your butts off just to keep the peace. In parenting class we held robotic babies for five minutes and after I was attached I had to pass the baby on and I was filled with emptiness and I was hit with the thought I am ready. I am ready for that and for him. People don't understand what it's like when you tell them he screws up your head. They say you should keep your eyes open and don't pass up another oppurtunity. They don't realize you don't consider it an oppurtunity unless its something you want. Other people don't seem to understand that when someone screws with your system that bad so that your elephant-like memory falters like a hamster's that you are seriously and completely hooked and it isn't as simple as "Just Get Over It". It's a "Dang You Have An A-bomb Problem On Your Hands". They don't get that even if that person hasn't commited you already have.